The Soccer Football Movie needs a big red alert that warns “Not Suitable for Small Children”. Followed by a second warning that says “Indigestible for Adults”.
As a kids movie, there are a lot of reasons to dislike Yibran Asuad’s All the Freckles in the World. Take your pick: sexualization of 13 year olds, a teacher-student sexual relationship, a sexist affront to women, and last but not least, very little soccer despite a tenuous link to the Mexican National Team at the 1994 World Cup. Writer-Director Yibran Asuad is known for serious work, but it looks like he took this “commercial” job for the paycheck.
Whether you are straight or gay, Forbidden Games documents a story that is tough to watch. As his brother John has noted, if Justin Fashanu had been born 30 years later, he would have been a hero. Instead, Justin’s life story is filled with regret from almost all who knew him.
Stop right there, I’m being as misleading as the film. Justin Fashanu would have been a hero today had he simply been a proud gay man, a black man, and a good footballer.
The easiest way to describe Land of Storms (Viharsarok) is a Hungarian Brokeback Mountain for soccer players. I confess that I watched this movie at 2x speed because of its slow pace and plethora of homophobic violence.
There are also a lot of sex scenes and even a 3-way, but the scenes aren’t very sexy.
Fondi ’91 follows a team of 16 year old Jersey boys who travel to the small town of Fondi, Italy in 1991 to play in a soccer tournament. Some of the boys are very randy and keen to hook up with Italian fillies or stallions.
Kickoff is about the first game of the season for a man who puts together a 5-man gay team for a Sunday league. He wants his players to act manly like footballers, but instead this flamboyant, very buff crew is far out in left field.
La Copa de los Sueños, or The Cup of Dreams, or Soccer Dreams is a low-budget soccer film. Shot in Tijuana, the orphans in a children’s home enter a tournament in order to win enough money to pay for the house mom’s brain tumor surgery.
World Cup Car Soccer is a car soccer movie. This is not like Herbie, though. This DVD is JDM Option International Volume 26 and includes a “world championship” of two Japanese teams of 5 cars each playing car soccer (aka Jidousha soccer). I could only watch about 10 minutes of the 75 minute recording, as it got pretty repetitive. They couldn’t establish a winner until only about 3 cars were still drivable.
The Other Half is a long drawn-out joke. An England fan plans a honeymoon in Portugal so that he can sneak off to England’s three Euro 2004 games. The complication is that his American wife doesn’t even know he’s a soccer fan, and her father has paid for the honeymoon.
Lesbianas de Buenos Aires is not really a soccer movie. Neither is it a movie that Howard Sterns would salivate over. It is a documentary of interviews of several unrelated 30ish lesbians.
Big Brother Trouble is a terribly boring kids movie from Hemisphere Entertainment. An 11 year old boy is infatuated with his new 16 year old neighbor, but he becomes outraged that she is attracted to his big brother, a star soccer player.
The Firm was an episode of a BBC TV series in 1989. A young 30ish Gary Oldman stars as Bexie — a middle class father, real estate agent, weekend soccer player, and the boss of a hooligan gang.
O Rei Pelé, or Pelé the King, is a good resource, showing Pelé’s life and many goals. As I didn’t become a soccer fan until 1999, I had never seen Pele play except for in the movie Victory.